Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
