Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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