I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
