is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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