My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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