he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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