Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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