Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
