Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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