i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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