i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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