I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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