Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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