Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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