I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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