I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
