I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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