She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
