once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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