I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
