drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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