I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
