we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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