i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
