This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
