Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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