i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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