I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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