well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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