I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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