My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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