worst night to have a conscience
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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