No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
