you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
