Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
