Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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