i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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