Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
nutella sex= disaster
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
