Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
