I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
