Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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