Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
