Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
