I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
