2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
