Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
