About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
