I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
