its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
