Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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