I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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