My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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