Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
