Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
