I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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